Hatred.

I’ve never completely had the ability to actually hate anyone, or anything.

It complicates daily life.

It might be that part missing about me that I cannot ever confront.

Growing up in nowhere fucking USA, I guess there’s not really a reason to hate anything. Though I think maybe I’d be this way regardless of where I lived. But we don’t really have allot of bullshit with extremists, no real poverty problem, or a real big crime problem. Some might beg to differ (I’d just point at Myanmar and say a few of the things that go on there on a daily basis), but I think that hatred for really anything is pointless. It creates the biggest bullshit part of humanity that ever existed. This non-living entity really solves nothing on a long term basis, and really shouldn’t happen were we all okay with each other. Sure it boosts technology, helps (sometimes) economy, and stops tyranny in it’s tracks. Truth is, without hatred, it wouldn’t exist. It would be simply a matter of resolution. War fucks everything up. People, ecosystems, governments, societies, cities, beliefs, futures, pasts, presents, and even fucking space isn’t safe. Sure it changes many things for the better. Just give it some time and they’ll change back, or get even worse. Hell maybe my whole generation in the US has been desensitized to the realities of it. I mean if you talk to anyone who’s been in any war other than OIF (or whatever it is going on now days), they paint a picture of real hell, and live with it. Now days, I see some soldiers who don’t really see any action, and the ones that do, well…. Suicide statistics have been rising. Truth is, we should probably be past it all by now.

I’m not trying to be ignorant to history, and I have nothing but complete respect for anyone who fought in any war.

But the truth is, if you think about it on a long enough scale, every war boils down to hatred.

Every single one.

Ever.

These people mostly had a good reason for their hatred too. (In most cases, you know oppression wars like the civil war and such) I don’t blame anyone for doing what they do in a war. They’re following their beliefs, fighting for their freedoms, or killing off what they perceive as evil. They’re doing what they think is right. Both sides. That’s down right fucking admirable to actually take action for things. Just the focus is used in the wrong ways. I don’t ever truly think it’s justified to ever take a life in a political situation. Every person that started that war or chose it’s nation to join it, should be accountable for fucking genocide. (Not the people that fought the war just to make that clear)

Anyways, on a smaller level, I’ve been fucked over by allot of people, many times. It’s never been really life threatening or anything like that, just lost opportunities that could have been for the better. I never hated anyone for fucking me over though, it’s just human nature. That blind stance in our own minds towards everything we see. I’ve always rather dealt without. I’ll look at anyone’s perspective, no matter how radical, how different from my own. There’s never not a reason for anything. Maybe the person is really fucked up in the head, maybe they didn’t have the best life, maybe they’re being brainwashed by some cult, or maybe even they think it will put them ahead in life or afterlife. Either way I guess I think it’s bullshit to hate them for it. That makes them hate you for not at least being open to them.

Conflict started.

I think we’re all going to get the point eventually, maybe someday it will be forced on all of us to do something to help everything. I don’t know maybe a fucking meteor or some shit, but anyways, I do have faith we’ll do the right thing and pull through. At that instance we’ll see the true face of humanity.

Unity.

Wayward.

Reality.

Something in life nobody wants to face.

We go about our daily routine oblivious to it.

From the moment we wake up, to the moment we set the night in.

It frightens us.

To confront it, would mean to accept everything as the way it is.

Something we will not do.

Our distorted perceptions of ourselves.

Our misguided notions of what’s to come in the future.

Our mislead reasoning with our daily interactions.

Our false sense of tomorrow.

Sometimes it creeps into our mind.

We chase it away.

But it leaves a mark.

It’s out of our hands.

This mark, a gash in our everything, is usually small.

Just a slight notion we can simply brush away.

When set right, with the proper circumstances, it may be large.

Set right in front of us.

We cannot un-see it.

This mark, this wound, starts to take hold.

Like an infected cut, becomes more visible each passing day.

It grows.

It takes over.

We lose control.

Separate from ourselves.

Its shadow follows us.

Growing darker each day.

Forming a shape.

It engulfs our brain.

Becomes too large.

It leads us.

Wayward.

The User.

I’ve always found it’s stupid to give addicts such a bad name. It’s completely ridicules to give these people any less then everyone else. Most people are addicted to something anyways (caffeine, nicotine, sex, exercise) and they put such a bad rep on the hard “druggies”. I don’t do much of that (maybe a few pills here and there), so I’m not defending myself. Anyways people point fingers at druggies as being some sort of downfall of society, when they really aren’t that bad. Just like non-druggies, sure there’s a few that do really bad things to get their fix, but that’s no different then how people are with money, religion, and politics.

Way I see it is, let the druggies do their thing. I mean if it’s easier to access there won’t be much crime related to the obtaining of said substances. They’re gonna do it, and that’s that, no matter what the police try, no matter how hard the government tries, no matter how hard YOU try, it’s never gonna stop people from getting high. It’s actually hurting everyone to try and stop it. It raises taxes, puts bad people in power, and creates pretty big damn lies. More people go to prison for drugs than any other crime…

I’m not saying to legalize everything. Not by a long shot. Just “look the other way” about allot of it. I don’t think a drug dealer should serve time for simply selling. It’s pointless, there’s a demand in any area for drugs. Every one we lock up costs us money, and just lets someone else take over the market for the substances in that area.

But there are some that they should legalize.

Weed is probably the worst drug to keep illegal. I’ve yet to meet a bad pothead. Hell I enjoy having pothead friends. They’re allot more entertaining than your average fucking Joe. All of them are pretty damn peaceful too. They don’t care about stepping on others, they just care about being high and relaxing. If anything, it’d support income to the snack food industries. It helps the sick, calms down the crazy, and gives people a sense of everything is alright. Again I don’t smoke the shit (never liked being high), but I’m not gonna be the one to point my finger at people for smoking it.

Magic mushrooms. They’re not that bad, they don’t make you go psycho and kill people. Sure you probably shouldn’t drive while on it, but that’s common knowledge akin to alcohol. I’ve known “shroomheads” as well, they’re pretty decent, just like to take what they see in a new perspective. Maybe make a class so you need a permit to buy shrooms. If everyone’s educated on how to do it, there’s just cause for legal ramifications. They’ll know better.

As for the “hard drugs”-

Look the other fucking way. Help the people out by doing small services for the addicts. Keep them in control, maybe even fine the shit out of the dealers in the areas where it’s getting pretty bad just to keep every addict at bay a little bit.

What I mean by help, is like providing purity tests for stuff so people know exactly how much and of what they’re taking. It’ll stop allot of drug related deaths. Give out fresh needles for the bangers, slow HIV down or other needle-banging  sickness. You’re not gonna stop these people from abusing, the least you could do is make it safe as possible.

Prescription medication-

Now this is where many people look the other way, as if a hospital gave it to somebody it’s okay for them to take it too. It’s just the same as the hard drugs, just been through a bit more science. I don’t have a problem with pillheads either. Take painkillers for instance, the people who take it to get high (that don’t actually need it) are being safer, heroine is way too damn unpredictable for its purity, and not many bang pills. Keep it hard to obtain. I agree with that, because it does kill people. Give out fines for doing the shit, to hell with the jail time. That’s wasting the money we all pay for taxes.

In all I think it boils down to control. Whether it be religion or government, somebody’s gotta have a heavier hand. That’s a bunch of shit if you ask me.

What we put in our body is our own fucking business, not theirs.

Make it safer, make people smarter about the substances, and most of all, don’t fucking wreck peoples lives because of their addictions. They’re doing fine with that themselves.

Then again, who am I to tell anyone what to do?

To move forward.

It’s always a step back. No matter what you do or where you go, you still have that one big fucking problem. You’re still you.

At least that’s how I see it.

I never quite understood how people can just move through things. Simply forget what happened to them before, or drop the fact that it might happen to them again. Like the world didn’t exist before they got to a new “awakening”… Whether it be drug addicts, or people moving away from a shitty upbringing. It still fucking happened to you. I can’t change that. Your outlook can’t change that. “God” Especially can’t fucking change that. Live with your fucking past. Experience it every waking moment. Feel the ones you’ve hurt. Feel the ones you’ve helped. Feel everything that’s ever happened to you. Don’t ignore it. Accept it. Put it in the back of your mind. Just make sure it fucking stays there.

This might be the root of myself going fucking mad, but hell I don’t care. I like to live in every part of my life. Not just the present. I like to relive my past, and reach for my future.

The present is simply fleeting. So fuck.

It doesn’t exist. Because by the time it does, it’s the fucking past.

Most people keep a few days ago, maybe even a few weeks ago fresh in their head. Maybe pull out a few things here and there for references. Then back it goes, into that shroud of misguided existence.

I keep the worst fresh in my mind. Everything bad that’s happened to me. It keeps me from trying to do bad again. This has a pretty fucking big downfall though. I’m well aware of it too. It makes it hard as fuck to move on. It makes every living gesture, every interaction with others simply frightening. Yet I do it anyways, everything guarded. Every word planned. Every thought preprocessed. I won’t fuck up if I say this. I won’t fuck up if I do that. I’ll just end up fucking everything up if I keep doing this. Who cares though. Travel the country over and you find out people are fucking assholes no matter where you go.

So what? That’s just people.

Exactally. That’s what I’m getting at.

People need to fuck off if they’re just gonna continue to be assholes. If society remains this way, I a massive solar flare comes about and cooks us all instantly. I hope hell reigns down from the skies. Maybe not be instant death, I’d like to see some of these assholes suffer just a little before I spark into fucking vapor and ashes.

It wouldn’t be so bad, but half the fucking planet (probably much more) has some kind of stupid ass god that will forgive them for misdoings. The other half have some stupid ass ideals that justify them for being complete fuckheads.

Just drop the bullshit.

We live once. All of us together.

Even if you are a devout follower and make it to “heaven”, what about all the poor fucks who don’t get that advantage. Think on one term, if you make it to two, deal with things when you get there. If not, least you made the first time right. And by doing right I don’t mean getting ahead, because most do that by stepping on lesser people. No matter what you do well, there’s always someone able to do it better. There is no such thing as the best on a long enough time line.

Just give a little. I’m not talking money. I’m talking mind. Kindness can make it one hell of allot farther then a buck.

So just take a step back.

Look at all the bad shit that’s happened in your life. (I don’t want to hear about it, just want you to think about it) and keep it there.

It might make you go crazy, but at least I won’t fucking be alone.

Okay. Not sure where I was going with any of this, but there it is.

Here I am.

Fuck.

Perspective.

He made the incision in the epidermis. The doctor then removed the heart, fresh and strong waiting for a needing patient. This was this man’s last gift to the world as his life was now over. His skin was pale, a peaceful departed look resides on his face. His family all was in mourning of their lost. He was a respectful man, who helped and inspired everyone he interacted with. It was time for his embalming. The mortician with great care, inserted the formaldehyde tube in a tiny cut in the man’s arm. He slowly massaged every part of his pale, lifeless body. This let the blood be replaced from every vein in his body. Blood slowly pouring out a separate opening in the man’s body. Oozing out the very essence of the man’s life, replacing it with an artificial preserver. He was now in a sense “human jerky”, he’d last longer, not decomposing in any situation for a much longer time. Everyone cried at the funeral. Their loved one was sent off in a fitting end. Off to a better place, to true peace.

Happy.

He meticulously slaved and made cuts around every appendage. The serial killer was making a new set of clothes. He gutted the victim, and peeled the skin from the person’s corpse. Lifeless this person was, with gloves of skin left still on the hands, socks of dead flesh still remain on the feet. It’s a sadistic end, the only care is in the ritual. This victim was completely lost to everyone. Their waiting family would never find peace from what this crazed killer did to their loved one. The victim was young, hardly had any chance to make any impact on the world. No chance to shine or experience any forms of true happiness in life. Cut short by an insane person who only saw her as nothing but a way to get off. He cured the skin, the last remains of this poor soul left. The killer completely destroyed the body, destroying every tooth, burning every bit of flesh in a twisted ritual. He would touch himself to the smell of stagnant human flesh that stunk the air as the incinerator burned. He then got to processing the skin, tanning it. Making it eternal, a trophy of his sadistic kill. He would sew the victims skin into a suit, that he would wear around his house. Away from prying eyes, the remains would be ever defiled, and forever forgotten.

Tragic

He cut the steak with is serrated knife. Blood oozed from it’s medium-rare cut. Flavorful, juicy, and extremely tasty. Ribeye steak, a godly food to many. This cow had no concept of anything, it’s whole existence was completely oblivious to the fact that it’s soul purpose in life was to be sent to a slaughterhouse. Ultimately to end up as a tasty meal in someone’s stomach. It was just another day for the butcher. He comes in to work to make ends meet (pun). He worked at an small town slaughterhouse. He would start the day grabbing his rifle and stun gun. He would stun the unsuspecting cow and shoot it right in the head. If you’ve ever seen this part of the slaughter, heck maybe even most of the process, you’d probably be sick to your stomach. He guts the cow, saving the parts that ooze out of the stomach to sell for food, dog food, and industrial products. Everything for the consumer. He then would skin the cow, which would end up maybe as somebody’s boots. He would then take this giant meat saw(some weird looking almost souped up chainsaw), cut off the head, and separate the body in to more workable pieces. The head will be further processed. Without any regard to the fact that he’s handling remains of a dead creature, the man goes about his daily job. He cuts the cow into smaller pieces, grinds some into hamburger, cuts roasts, makes many different steaks, and wraps it all in neat little packages. At the end of the day, the cow is nothing but a profit margin. The man hangs up his smocks, sets aside his boots, takes off his hairnet, and steps out the door. He lets of a slight shiver, not for the cow, but for the fact that he was just working in a very cold building (34-38 degrees Fahrenheit). Time to go home, probably to a steak dinner.

Emotionless

No, this isn’t some stupid ass PETA bullshit statement so don’t get on me about that. It’s just a contrast of life in some forms, that I find slightly humorous. You take the human out of the occasion, and nothing is ritual, respected, or careful. Anyways, people need to lighten up about shit. Especially serial killers. I’ve always found them offensive, and yet somehow intriguing. How could somebody end up so fucked up in the head they could actually set in a series of events to actually kill somebody, mutilate their remains, and keep parts as “trophies”? I’ll never know, most of you probably won’t either. Though I am kinda questioning myself why I compared the cow one last. Probably because I just made some tasty fucking beef tips. Animal rights activists, go fuck yourselves. Meat is good. I don’t bitch about you all killing off my fucking oxygen source, so just shut up. Oh and all of it ended up as a product in some form (guess less in a literal sense on the first, as the funeral was the product).

On the next perspective:

A man, an axe, a tree. Lets build a fucking house.

A man, an axe, an amp. Lets melt some fucking faces.

A man, an axe, a door. HHEEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRRRRREE’s JOHNNY!

And we pray.

Whether you are religious or not, there’s always going to be that sense of doubt.

What if god doesn’t exist?

What if he does?

I don’t even know if ultimately it matters. Why should we even try to make a guess? I mean if there is, it could really suck if he didn’t accept other ways of thinking. It would be unfair. Don’t get me wrong. It’s okay to worship anything you want. I just hate to see all these people and their holy wars. Whether it’s the fucking psychos that run around and blow their stupid asses up for some “greater” purpose, or the friendly neighborhood christian whoring his church out to all his friends, neighbors, and co-workers. It’s bullshit. Have faith. I appreciate that. I really do. But don’t force it on me. Don’t force it on your kids. If you believe something, just maybe share your thoughts on the subject, but don’t try to make anyone agree with them. See I know people who do this. Not just about god. About anything and everything. Let them believe what they want to, keep an open mind to their views as well. It’s not fair should we be forced to follow some pinnacle of morality that you do. Most people do agree with some of the basis with the “don’t do” in church.

Don’t steal.

Don’t kill.

Don’t be a complete piece of shit.

Nobody needs a god to follow with this. There’s the problem with some churches. They let people be forgiven for these acts. Look we all fuck up. I understand that completely because I’m a master at that. It’s way better to have that guilt on your conscience though. It will affect you more profoundly in life to not do it again, and to learn from it. It’ll make it much more likely for you to go and correct your mistake to the best of your ability. Just keep an open mind about everything. You don’t have to at all. But if you do, it will let you go through the short period of time that we actually have here in a better way.

Embrace everything and everyone.

Like many in every generation, I’ve been searching for a god my whole life.

I grew up without religion having been forced on me by my parents. This let me see the world in any light I wanted. Without the ability to be forgiven and be sure to be sent to “heaven” my choices made real impacts on my life here.  Anyways I’ve always had that question of “what if?”. For the longest time I had pretty much written off any chance of any god even existing.

Then a few years ago I searched harder and harder.

Science can explain everything right?

The fact is, I don’t think anyone could ever explain why we even exist in the first place. The probability that we are here, and everything exists the way it does is simply incomprehensible. I can’t conceive the fact that everything is even anything at all. It’s too convenient to simply exist by chance. Even if someone came up with a formula to explain everything, it still wouldn’t explain anything thoroughly. How does imperfection fit in? (That’s a completely new post sometime in the near future).

Existence simply can’t exist on a whim.

It’s too convenient.

But I’m not going to a church. I’m not worshiping anything. I’m acknowledging that there’s probably a higher power. Maybe an energy. Most certainly not an entity. There’s more out there, and we probably will never figure out what it is. I accept anything and everything in this world, and take it into my own morals. My ways of life. I’m thankful for everything I’ve been given, have, and am. I just don’t think I should worship anything. I embrace everything.

Maybe that’s my form of worship.

So if any of that made sense in any way, I don’t want anyone to follow it. Everyone is entitled to their own views. Just please don’t force them on others. Let your kids find their own ways through life. All you need to do is guide them to making good choices. In the end. When I die. Maybe I’ll go somewhere else, but maybe not.

If not, I won’t care.

I’ll be dead.

Her…

Love is a pretty fucked up subject for most of us.

We all (well mostly all) want to be loved.

Yet most of the love we have for others is completely different from the way they love us. Some lines more understandable like a mother and son relationship. But that’s family. That can almost be written out. Sure there are quirks in many cases but it’s usually the same. If there’s a connection that is.

When you get your first love is when the very idea of everything changes in an instant. You have somebody you would live and die for at the same time. The idea is pretty simple for the most part. Yet some people even see this as wrong. I mean what is love after all? Is it an emotion? A feeling? Is it something we’re supposed to do? Something we have to do? Yes and No. If you can get by life without it, that’s your own thing. (Stay the fuck away from me if I know you.) But in reality it’s a lifestyle. It’s a connection from one person to another that goes too deep to describe in words. They become a part of each other. I don’t give a fuck who it is, everyone should have somebody. It’s one of the absolute best experiences you can possibly go through. You learn so much from it. It’s like for once in life the focus doesn’t have to be on you. It’s on them and you want it that way. You’d do anything to simply make them smile. To feel good. To love you.

Maybe my expectations or views on the subject are completely wrong or just too far-fetched.

They have to be in my case.

All I ask back is that they do the same for me.

I’ll tell them every last little detail of my fucked up little life. Maybe I shouldn’t expect the same in return.

I would work and buy them nice things.

I would change the core of who I am, the fundamentals of what I believe to better suit them if need be.

I would kill myself for them.

Maybe I shouldn’t expect the same in return.

But I do. I have. I will.

That’s where that perfect dreamy world lies in reality. That fine line that I’ve managed to unfurl more than once. It’s maddening to me. It doesn’t make me hate them. It makes me hate myself. More and more the further in. I’m never good enough because my expectations are too high. So we go separate ways.

Everyone also should experience this also. Heartbreak. The blackest darkest place your mind could possibly go, it will go during this. You’ll do anything to avoid that luster of what was or should have been. You get to see how a crazy person truly thinks for the first time. Then you hold on to the future. Start thinking about yourself again. Realize that there’s more out there. That you are a part of your equation. So you go about doing your routine day by day, slowly rebuilding, incorporating everything you’ve learned into that well of thought. You will need this knowledge again.

So you fall in love again. After all you missed that connection with someone. Now some people actually get the second time right. The lucky ones. You start off guarded. Very guarded. But eventually all the barriers you put up will break down. And a whole different cycle emerges. You now have experience to base this new love off of. It adapts. But if you’re like me. Very prone to fucking everything up. The same mistake you made the first time is made very well again.

This time should be easier right?

For the first few months you don’t feel much of anything. You’ve been through it before. It’s just gonna be the same this time… No it’s not. Heartbreak always catches up to you. This time it’s twice as bad as before. You actually had a shot this time, you fucking blew it. Disconnecting was the worst way to help you through anything. And now it’s hell for a very long time. This is where some people never really recover. I’ve seen one’s that simply can’t handle it, they live the rest of their lives thinking about themselves. Compassion gone. Ego… full throttle. They manage. Never are happy though.

Then there’s me. I hold on to my past and go over and over and over and … well you get the point. What’s the point in living if I’m just gonna keep fucking every last thing you do up in ways you can only assume will be worse. Yet I’m not dead am I? I don’t have anyone or anything going for me. Maybe I’m a waste of space. Change is a big factor. I learn. I change. I become better. I’m looking forward now. I never could really find a reason for anyone to take their own life. It’s stupid. Really stupid. Anything you do, hell everything you do. You can change for the future. Sucks being an ambitious procrastinator.

So I walk forward. Oblivious to all around me. Blind to my future.

I’ll find out when I get there.

To go back.

Mistakes.

My whole life I’ve fucked up.

Around every corner I’ve taken a different road then I probably should have. Even knowing better, I’ve still taken these chances. It’s inevitable that I’ve hurt people in my past more than I had wanted to. It’s always hit me harder than anyone else. Yet I still knowingly fuck up. I’ve been probing my thoughts to the exact reason recently.

Maybe its cruelty? (If so to whom? them? myself?)

Then I caught myself purposely fucking up to see if I could guess the result. I got a few parts right. I guess the whole point in my fucked up little head was that I wanted to learn from the parts I got wrong. Future reference. Yet I know that how predictable life can get, it’s always extremely unpredictable. For some reason I crave to learn everything.

It’s cost me my future multiple times.

I go ahead with it. Then I do it again…. and again.

Most people want something to change in their past. I don’t blame them. If there were some sleek little process to change the way things were to a better result. You’re missing the point when you go and think like this. It’s a big part of your mind. Life experiences are very related to every single mistake you make. Even if you make the same mistake twice or twenty times, every time you’re making that same mistake in a better way. It’s like a casino addiction. They’re a motherfucker. Every time you go you might plan on “oh maybe I’ll just spend 50 bucks and quit after that”… even though the last time you spent 50 bucks and got nothing. It’s that notion of luck that drives almost anyone insane. “Three times ago (nine weeks, two days) I won 400 bucks off of it” going round and round in your head, yet so did the 500 dollars you lost in the last year going to this casino. And there you are. Making the same mistake for the 50th time. “Fuck I lost it all… Go pull out….” You know the rest.

We fuck up again, and again. We get better at fucking up. Hell in the casino’s case they’re counting on it. Ever hit a 500$ jackpot? It’s a fucking rush… It’s a fucking drug. Nothing matters how you got to that point. All you care about is that “win”. You leave happy. That’s what most gamblers want every time they set foot in that flashy ass casino. They take in the sounds of people hitting jackpots around them. That sound the money makes as a water fall of coins is blasting out of machines like raging torrent. It drives you to do the same. Yet there you are making the same fucking mistake. You should never have gone there. Hell. Nobody in that place should have went. But each time you go, you try something a little different. Maybe playing an old machine you’ve won on before, or trying the completely new “Rape Your Fucking Bank Account” machine because the noise it made called you over. When each and every fucking person in there knows they don’t have that great of chance. After all we can infinitely randomize numbers with great ease.

Fuck the birds are chirping noisily for 4 in the morn… Don’t they fucking sleep longer then 3 hours?

Anyways you make that mistake again, but you are making it much better this time. At least to some level. You gain your experience from the past. You contemplate it… and yet you make that motherfucker again and lose all your fucking money. You do learn from it, but it doesn’t fucking matter at all. You’ll be back.

For that rush.

Is that why I fuck my life up so much?

Maybe.

I get no rush.

Nothing from it but the experiences I have, ones to share and help other people with. Maybe that’s my rush.

When you fuck up in a life changing way, you learn one hell of allot a more than had you not fucked up.

So don’t ever wish for a change in your past. Even if you make it over and over again. Fucking learn from it. Then go and do it again. As much as you possibly can. Just get something out of it. Help people with what you know about it.

It might just stop you from fucking everything up completely.

A pane of glass.

Separate I am from the world.
Inside is safe.
Outside I am weak, outside I am nothing.
So I stay here.
You still can see me. I am not invisible.
You just can’t touch me.
You can’t reach me.
There’s no easy way out.
You have to break things to exit.
Most of us these days are used to that strategy of an “Exit” sign lit up in the hallway.
An easy out if things get too dangerous.
I cannot depend on something so simple.
A fire starts and I suffocate here.
But breaking out would mean to lose the one thing I have.
Myself.
But is it even worth keeping?
This is something that torments me on a daily basis.
Break out and join the masses?
Become a part of this civilization who’s a massive machine, consuming the earth around us?
Add to the destruction of our own future?
Bring myself into this cycle of so called “meaning”?
You won’t make a difference.
You can’t make a difference.
Not these days, unless you were born into money, power, or religious standings.
I can only merit to the “None of the above.” check box.

There are benefits right?

You fit in.
Nobody claims you to be crazy, a recluse, or a deadbeat.
You earn your living.
Greasing the wheels of society.
Making it run perfect.
No matter how insignificant the task appointed to you is, it’s all working towards the future.
You get tons of friends.
Even get a chance at a life partner.
If you spend your money right, you get to live a so called “dream”.

My dreams are always nightmares.

I stick out like a sore thumb.
I consider myself one of the sane ones.
Whether I made minimum wage or a doctors salary, I’d still be broke all the time.
I’d like to cease the wheels of society.
Make it run imperfect.
No matter what they make me do, I hate it. It holds me back.
I’d rather keep a small group of friends. You get to know everyone more and you won’t be stabbed in the back as much.
I’d like a proper life partner, but I’ve only had ones that find it hard to be honest with me about everything.
If I were to succeed I’d be living a nightmare.

Why even try?

Because I have nothing better to do.

Break free.

It’s boring here.
It’s lonely here.
It’s safe here.

Goodbye glass. My shield. My wall. My guardian. My barrier. My life.

All I need is something hard to break through.

Fuck….